I must confess my not-so-positive feelings about my treatment process. In addition to the queasiness I feel from the chemo drugs, I have started feeling ill at the mere thought of this entire ordeal. It’s hard not to think about it so I get this feeling quite often. I am actually repulsed by what is happening to me — the drugs that are cycling through my system, the scars on my body, my bald head, the nausea, the dry taste in my mouth. Reading my breast cancer books makes me feel ill. Sometimes when I look back on my journal entries, I feel sick. Some of it I suppose I can control. I can stop reading. I can stop looking at what I’ve written in this journal. But the day-to-day thoughts and experiences I cannot erase.

I am still making it through each day without too much difficulty. I am still positive and hopeful. But while I once felt completely motivated and somewhat unphased by breast cancer and its implications, I now feel sickened and a bit angry. I am sure I will someday turn towards acceptance and will one day think of this journey as a life-changing gift. But for now, I just feel sick.

I read recently that some patients feel nauseated each time they see their oncologists — even years after cancer and treatment. So I know I am not alone.

Jacki Donaldson

4 thoughts on “Confession

  1. How could you not feel that way, Jacki ? Poison is swirling through your body .. the body you have cared for so well .. protected with good food and exercise. You work everyday to keep your life as normal and perfect as possible, but some of this is beyond your control. That miserable invader, breast cancer, has stolen part of your security. You are right to be sickened at the sight and thought of it all. But .. you are not breast cancer .. you are, and always will be, Jacki. You will win .. it will lose. Love, Jane

  2. Oh, Jacki, don’t feel badly about being human and feeling the emotions that are a part of this process. Be good to yourself, in what you do and what you say to yourself, and while I know it’s not healthy to dwell on these negative feelings, I also know it’s not healthy to suppress them, either (sorry, the therapist coming out of me). They will come in waves. Just let them come in, feel them, then let them go on their way. It’s grief and this is all a normal part of the losses you are feeling. For whatever it’s worth, I think you are one of the strongest and most beautiful people I know (esp without hair…you have such a beautiful face and head!) Although I’m not glad that you are having to go through this, I am glad it got me back in touch with you, even if it’s just to have one more person praying for you.

    Keep the faith and be gentle with yourself,

  3. Hi Jacki,
    I don’t blame you at all, I would be angry too. I remember once saying to my dad, ‘why does this always happen to mom?’. He replied would you rather it happen to me? Of course that wasn’t what I meant, but why does something so painful happen to such good people.
    One of the girls at work and I were talking about that very subject last year, her brother has brain cancer. She said in church she has learned that god doesn’t give us what we can’t handle. That really made me thing. Although it is not fair, I know you can handle it and it is fine to have feeling of sadness and anger. You are so brave, your attitude through this process can me a HUGE difference. Continue to not give up and move forward. You are so brave and you are so loved. I admire you and support you!

  4. gosh, I can’t believe that you even say this in confessional tones. You have every right to feel angry and sick. Wail, cry, and even keen if you have to. Part of being strong is knowing that it’s ok to let go and be upset.

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