Archive for May, 2005

My collection

Sunday, May 29th, 2005

quilt.

I will continue to write in this web journal because although my official treatment is complete, there is still so much to write about — like the pile of medication that sits in my kitchen cabinet and stares back at me each time I open the cabinet door to get a sippy cup or a drinking glass. It all sits in a green plastic bin, with the exception of two medications I am currently taking. They sit on the counter as a reminder that I must take them each day. Sometimes I still forget to take them on time. Sometimes I wake in the night and realize I have forgotten to take something. So I jump up and swallow what is necessary to keep me healthy.

I have been to the Walgreen’s pharmacy drive-thru countless times in the past six months. I always wonder if the pharmacists and technicians have put together the pieces of my puzzle and have determined what my condition is. Zofran and Emend and Phenergan for nausea. Neulasta for blood counts. Antibiotics for infection. Ativan and Xanax for anxiety. Steroids for allergic reactions. Mouthwash for mouth sores. Zoloft for depression. It’s startling for me to look at my collection of medication. Fortunately, much of the medication has never been touched. Some bottles are missing just a few pills. And although some prescriptions have been used and refilled, these are in the minority. There have been times when I have felt heavily medicated and have struggled to function normally. But mostly, I have survived without drugs. And I know there are other people struggling with illness and disease who open their kitchen cabinets and see a whole lot more staring back at them. I am lucky.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in My story, Side effects | 3 Comments »

Pleasure

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

Exercise brings me pleasure. I feel better when I exercise — like I’ve accomplished something that I know is good for my body and my soul. I like to sweat and see the accomplishment soak into my clothes. I like to take a shower and feel clean again. This practice motivates me, refreshes me, relaxes me. Exercise is the one constant I’d like in my life. I don’t always get it, though — at least on my terms. But then I have high expectations.

I bought a jog stroller recently. I had a grand plan to take Joey to preschool and then come home and walk the hills in my neighborhood with Danny in the stroller. He liked his cousin Jordan’s jog stroller and he sat peacefully in the cozy seat. So I bought him his very own, navy blue, cozy stroller. And he refuses to sit in it. He wiggles and whines and chants “wanna walk.” So plan B is to come home and walk on my treadmill — while Danny plays and I watch him. I am not sure what plan C will be.

This has been my saga for four years — ever since I became a mom and realized my time was no longer my own. I’m not good about exercising in the evening so my routine usually involves kids, during the day. And my routine has changed so many times. I once exercised while Joey napped. Then he stopped napping. Then I’d push him in a stroller. Sometimes he would cooperate and sometimes he would not. I tried going to a gym and leaving Joey in the child care area. He cried the entire time. For awhile after Danny was born, I would exercise while Joey played and Danny slept. And for a long time, I’d push them together in a double stroller. Now Joey is too big for the double stroller. And Danny doesn’t seem to like strollers at all.

Since cancer arrived in my life, exercise has not been a priority — I just could not physically do it. But for the the past two weeks, I have been walking while Danny naps and Joey watches a 30-minute library video. While he learns about snakes and alligators, I sweat and hope like crazy that I can finish before he becomes impatient. It works for now. But everything changes and this will not last forever.

I am not sure what my long-term exercise plan will be. I guess I have to think in the short term, lower my expectations, and try to do what I can each day. This is hard for me — I like a plan and a routine and somehow, motherhood (and cancer) don’t always allow for structure.

I just finished walking on my treadmill — 3 miles. Danny is napping and John and Joey are at the movies. That works — for today.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Exercise, Kids, My story | 5 Comments »

Peace of mind

Monday, May 23rd, 2005

Today I learned that my CA 125 test was negative. That means that there is no indication that I have ovarian cancer. But because I have breast cancer and the two are cancers are linked, I will continue to be screened for both. I also learned that Friday will be my last day of radiation. It was scheduled to end on Tuesday, May 31st but my radiation oncologist thought I could end on Friday and not come back after the Memorial Day holiday. She will adjust my treatment doses so that I get what I need this week. Four more days.

My real peace of mind came today from a discussion I had with my radiation oncologist. She is a well-respected doctor and has been highly recommended by many. So I have been interested in her opinion about my chemotherapy treatment but have been afraid to ask her. Since I’ve had two different opinions (one to continue with chemo and one to stop), I was scared she would say I should continue. I do not want to continue and do not think my body could even tolerate the treatment. But I still second-guess myself and have had some dark moments contemplating whether or not I cut myself short on treatment. This oncologist said I did not. She agreed that I should not have received Taxol, the drug I refused. Like others, she said the benefit would be so small and the toxicity could be so great. She said she would not have done it herself. And she said if I do have a recurrence of cancer, it will not be because I didn’t receive Taxol. This brings me great peace.

I hope to gain more peace of mind with my therapy — which begins tomorrow.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in My story, Radiation, Second opinions, Tests | 5 Comments »

Countdown

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

I have seven more radiation treatments — the end is near. My remaining treatments are “boosts” and are quicker than my previous treatments. I do not have to use the breathing device and this time, a machine moves very close to the tumor site and zaps the area for about 30 seconds. Then I’m done. For this entire radiation process, it has taken me longer to drive to and from the hospital than to receive the treatment. The treatments have been very short — and I rarely have to wait. It’s a smooth system. With the boosts, it’s even quicker. Today I dropped my boys with my mom at 9:45 AM. After radiation and a quick stop at the grocery store, I was back for them at 11:00 AM. And what followed was the best part of the day — we visited the preschool that Joey will attend beginning June 6th (he got to meet his teacher, play on the playground, and see his classroom). Then we went strawberry picking. On the ride home, Joey said, “Don’t you love that we got to pick strawberries?” I told him, “yes, I do” and realized that soon my life will be back to normal — free of treatment and fatigue and full of family fun and one day — a head full of hair.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Kids, My story, Radiation | 4 Comments »

Boost

Monday, May 16th, 2005

Today I had another radiation simulation. This time the therapists readjusted my set-up to prepare me for my “boost” treatments which will begin on Thursday. I have green markings on my body which will line me up with the radiation machine in a new and different way. The boost treatments will only treat my “tumor bed” — the location of my tumor. Currently, my tumor bed and entire breast and surrounding tissue are being treated. But the tumor bed is where a recurrence is likely to occur (if it occurs) so this area gets an extra dose of radiation.

So Thursday begins the boost treatment and the last boost will be given on May 31st. This will be my last day of radiation and will mark the end of my treatment. I won’t be finished with medical stuff, though. I will see my oncologist every three months for the next year and I will have my port flushed every month (it will stay in for one year in the event of a recurrence that would require additional chemo). I will attend therapy sessions and physical therapy sessions too. And I have an infection in my affected breast right now that may send me back to the surgeon once radiation is complete. Apparently, infection sometimes occurs and is related to the surgery. I have been taking an antibiotic for one week but there is no improvement yet. But depsite my occasional medical appointments, I am almost free of the burden of regular and on-going treatment.

My treatment will end exactly six months (and a few days ) after I discovered my lump. It will also end one day after Danny turns two years old. There are odd coincidences in this journey. On Joey’s fourth birthday, I met with my oncologist and learned about my treatment plan. On Danny’s birthday, I will be one day away from completing the treatment plan. The journey usually somehow takes me back to my kids — the two little ones who give me perspective.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in My story, Radiation | 3 Comments »

Breathless

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

I have been having trouble holding my breath during radiation. In order to activate each dose of radiation, I take a deep breath through a tube in my mouth (and with a plugged nose). This breath triggers a “click” sound and then I hear a “beep” that lasts up to 15 seconds. I have about six total doses each day and at least twice I have to hold my breath for 15 seconds. On the other doses, it’s less. It’s gotten harder and harder to last for 15 seconds and it’s not clear why this is happening. I’ve reported it to the doctor but since I am not having a shortness of breath in my everyday life, it doesn’t seem to point to a problem. Yesterday and today, the issue became more complicated. Yesterday I could hardly breath deep enough to trigger the “click.” With extra effort and every ounce of energy in my body, I finally did it. But today I could not do it at all. I thought maybe my lungs were failing me. Fortunately, before concluding that it was me with the problem, my radiation therapists called in their physicists who made some changes on my machine and with my tubing. With a new tube, I could breath! The problem may have been just a leak in the tube where my breath was escaping before I could “click” the machine on. A relief.

So my mind runs wild. I have trouble breathing for radiation and I think it’s a problem with my lungs. Headaches — something serious in my brain. Pressure in my stomach — ovarian cancer. A lump on my leg — a tumor. None of these are likely but it’s the first step in my thought process. I am able to dismiss these worries with time but not without an irrational venture in my mind. Which is one of the reasons I will soon begin therapy.

I met with a psychologist and two psychology student/interns today. Shands is a teaching hospital so there is always a team of doctors who see me. One of the students did an intake session with me. I told her my whole story and answered her questions while the doctor and other student observed from another room. After my intake, the three met and developed recommendations for me. Then the presented them to me. They recommend I take the anti-depressant medication (Zoloft) prescribed by my oncologist and begin therapy to last for 6-10 sessions. The therapy will be structured and will include some relaxation techniques. The doctor believes this will help me greatly — especially since I have a perfectionist personality. It seems perfectionists are prone to anxiety under normal circumstances. With a cancer diagnosis on top of my propensity for anxiety, it’s not a shock that I am anxious, worried, and somewhat depressed.

I will begin therapy in the next week or so and will go once per week until I feel more at ease with life. That’s my goal — to live and breath easily.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in My story, Radiation, Side effects | 4 Comments »

Blond no more

Monday, May 9th, 2005

quilt.

quilt.

Posted in Hair loss, My story | 7 Comments »

A little hair & a little sunburn

Friday, May 6th, 2005

My hair is growing back. It’s a little longer than stubble now — and it’s dark! I can see traces of blond hair in the mix but I don’t know if it will be enough to overpower the dark. I’m not sure when I will be comfortable enough with my short hair to show it in public. I think I’m waiting for a time when people will not look and stare. I don’t know why this bothers me — I’m comfortable in my own home with my baldish head — but I guess I don’t want to appear like a victim of chemo. Which I am. So maybe I should be proud and bold with my head. But I’m not.

I am also a victim of radiation. My skin is starting to look sunburned. It’s very mild but it’s there. It looks a bit like my skin looks after a hot shower — pinkish in color.

I’ve completed four weeks of radiation treatment and have a few more weeks to go. With each day that my breast tissue and skin is attacked, my hair grows in more and more. Part of my body is weakened but part is strong. An interesting balance.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Chemotherapy, Hair loss, My story, Radiation | 8 Comments »

Overcome

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

I am overcome with emotion and fatigue. Today I had five medical appointments. First, I had my port flushed. This has to be done once every four to six weeks when the port is not used regularly. My port gets accessed with a needle and saline and a blood thinner are flushed through the line to keep it clean and clear.

Second, I met with my oncologist who told me he thinks having my breasts and ovaries removed at this time is a radical approach. He thinks I should give myself some time to think things over and to live life a bit after treatment. Perhaps my worry will subside when life becomes normal again. He also recommended that I take an anti-depressant for a few months to ease my mind. I’m thinking about it. I really don’t like taking drugs. But my doctor says sometimes cancer patients need to clear their minds — and this helps. He says some describe the effect of the drug as bringing them out of a dark room and into the sunlight. I’ve filled the prescription and it sits on my kitchen counter. Another decision.

Third, I went for my 16th radiation treatment and learned that I will have 12 more of what I’ve been receiving and then will get 10 “boost” treatments. After radiation and fourth, I met with a radiation oncologist — this happens once per week to monitor my skin and any other side effects. So far, my skin is not affected. My side effect is fatigue — which today seems to have tripled with my busy schedule.

For a break, I met John, Joey, Danny, my mom, and Jordan for a quick and hectic lunch. Then I dropped off a prescription and went to get my arm fitted for a lymphedema sleeve (to help with swelling due to lymph node removal).

Fifth, I met with my OB/GYN to talk about ovaries. He did an ultrasound and pelvic exam and like popular opinion, told me screening for ovarian cancer is not very effective. But from what he could see, my ovaries look fine. He told me they are not fully functioning due to chemo-induced menopause but he saw signs that they may return to full function. If they do not, he says there is no need to keep them and I could have them removed. But until he knows of my true menopausal state — which could take up to one year — he does not recommend removing them. There is no evidence that I will get ovarian cancer at this time. I will still have the CA 125 test done to see if there is any elevation in levels that detect ovarian cancer — but this too can be deceiving.

For the near future, I will continue my treatment without making any big decisions. For today, I think I will put the topic of cancer to rest.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Counseling, My story, Port, Side effects, Tests | 7 Comments »