Archive for September, 2005

The fight

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

Last night I read this in the August 2005 Family Circle magazine:

Better Breast Cancer Treatment

A combination of drugs can significantly decrease cancer recurrence in women with the disease known as HER-2 positive breast cancer, according to multicenter clinical trials sponsored by the National Cancer Institute. Nearly one out of four cases of breast cancer is HER-2 positive, says lead researcher Edward Romond, M.D. These women have an overproduction of the HER-2 protein in cancer cells; this speeds cancer growth and increases the risk of spreading. For the trials, 1,679 women with HER-2 positive breast cancer in their lymph nodes received chemotherapy alone and 1,672 with the same disease received chemotherapy and weekly injections of trastuzumab for 52 weeks. After three years, those who received trastuzumab and chemo had a 52 percent dip in cancer recurrence compared to women who received chemotherapy alone. Side effects include weakening of the heart muscle; however, most patients regain normal function, says Dr. Romond.

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Today, I received my fourth dose of trastuzumab, also known as Herceptin. I fit the profile of the women who received chemo first and then Herceptin injections so the hope is that over my own 52-week treatment, my chances of recurrence will decrease. Unlike the women in the study, I did not have spread to my lymph nodes — but I am young and young women typically have more aggressive tumors so my treatment plan follows a somewhat radical approach.

My actual Herceptin treatment does not feel so radical because I don’t feel much at all. I just sit while a clear liquid drips through my port and into my jugular vein and then spreads throughout my body. I don’t get sick. I won’t lose my hair. My blood counts do not suffer. Besides some fatigue, it’s okay. And a bit relaxing too.

Today I slept in my reclined pink chair. It was quiet — I was one of three or four patients and the nurses worked at a more leisurely pace than usual. It was peaceful. But the whole chemo experience is still emotional and challenging. It doesn’t matter if the infusion room is overwhelmed with activity or quiet with just a few patients — I am still painfully aware of the obvious: that we are all there to fight for our lives. It’s empowering, and it’s sobering.

This evening, I came home and resumed my usual activities and got back to life — not without thinking about the importance of my every-three-week infusion but with a dull notion of it all. The power of the day will continue to fade over the next three weeks, until I report back to the pink chair and it all becomes crystal clear again — a reminder that life is precious and delicate and worth fighting for.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Herceptin, My story | 9 Comments »

Patience

Sunday, September 25th, 2005

On Thursday, Joey received an award at school — for patience. He and four other children were presented with certificates — this happens once per month where one child from each class is awarded for a certain character trait. This month’s trait was patience, and all five winners were called to the front of the chapel at Abiding Savior Lutheran Church / Preschool where teachers presented the certificates and the director read aloud a special message for each person. Danny and I watched Joey standing proudly (and several feet taller than the other kids) next to his teacher and we listened as the director read, “Joey always waits patiently when it’s someone else’s turn to talk or do an activity. He is never pushy and he never complains.” The bible verse chosen for him was, “It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self control than to conquer a city.” Proverbs 16:32.

This verse is perfect for Joey — it is completely him. And on the day I sat in the chapel, hearing it for the first time, I felt that this verse was somehow intended for me too. It seemed that the director was speaking to me — telling me to be patient with my new job, patient with the transitions in my life, patient with life in general. Maybe she was speaking to both of us — Joey for his patient character and me for the patience I need to embrace.

I have two favorite quotes that help guide me in life. One quote is, “Be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle.” The other is, “Be patient. Miracles happen every day.” How fitting.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Inspiration, Kids, My story | 5 Comments »

For Amy & Julie

Sunday, September 18th, 2005

I have two friends who were recently diagnosed with cancer. Both women are like me. They are in their 30s with small children and husbands and jobs and with the previous notion that cancer would not happen to them. But for reasons unknown, it did happen. And now they are both embarking on the journey that began for me almost one year ago.

We are on common ground, in some ways. Our lives are thrown out of balance and we share the same disbelief and fear and worry. We all fight to keep life as normal as possible, while managing appointments and tests and treatments and families and emotions. We question our strength and learn that we can handle more than we ever imagined. We are all survivors.

But our individual paths are different. While one friend has breast cancer like me, our diseases are very different. Our tumors were different sizes and in different locations. Our staging is different. Our treatments are not exactly the same. My other friend, who learned of her diagnosis just two days ago, has renal cancer. She will have her right kidney removed in a few weeks and will find out then what treatment path she will follow.

I am so sad that my friends have to travel this bumpy road. But I am confident they will reach the end of the road safely and with a beautiful perspective on life. I am thankful they are in my life so I can draw from their strength. I am in good company.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in My story, Survivors | 4 Comments »

Tears

Thursday, September 15th, 2005

Sometimes I am worried about what people think of me — I guess we all are to some degree. Tonight I am wondering if the my new co-workers think I am a crazy person.

Today was my second day on the job at Joey’s preschool — now Danny’s preschool too. I work two afternoons each week and Joey and Danny get to play in their own classrooms and on the playground too. I am back and forth between the classes and the playground so I see my boys off and on all afternoon. This is nice — to be with my kids while I work, to see them interacting and socializing, to witness their beautiful moments — but it’s difficult too. I’m their mom and they to cling to me at times. They want to listen to me and not other teachers. They fight the system a bit when I’m present. This makes for quite a transition — in addition to the transition of learning the ropes of a new job and new routine. It’s a transition that brought me to tears today. Not such a bad thing except that it happened in the midst of my work day, in the presence of one co-worker and many kids. I was as discreet as possible with my emotional spillover but it was still obvious and Joey came to me and said “I love you.” I thanked him and he said, “Sometimes when people are sad, it’s nice to say I love you.” A beautiful moment.

I’m still — hours later — having trouble managing my emotions. I feel like I did months ago when I could hardly talk about cancer to those who asked about it. That’s when counseling and anti-depressants were prescribed. I’m not sure why I reacted like I did today. I haven’t had a job outside my own house in a long time. Maybe I’ve been cooped up too long and don’t know how to act. Maybe I have not healed enough emotionally to take on such a demanding job. Maybe it was just a bad day. I won’t be sure until I practice at this job a bit more. When I have, I’ll see what my gut tells me and I’ll follow my instinct.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in My story, Side effects, Work | 3 Comments »

Solo

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Today was my first solo chemo mission. I went by myself, sat by myself, entertained myself, and drove myself home. It seemed time I handled this chore on my own. I am able to do it by myself. And it seems there won’t be any emergency situation that results from this drug. So I don’t need a safety person with me. I’d rather my mom and sister go about their routines for the next 10 months without having to sit with me each time for hours and hours. I can handle this routine now. Company is nice — but being alone is nice too. For me, it’s like enjoying a walk with others but finding equal pleasure in walking alone with my headsets on. Just me and my music.

Today it was just me and my thoughts. It was quiet and peaceful. And I survived my third treatment of Herceptin. One step closer to the end.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Herceptin, My story | 5 Comments »

My little soldier

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

My Little Soldier.Danny listened to his teachers today like a little soldier. Today was his first day of school, and he accepted this new experience like a champ. I dropped him this afternoon in his class, and he took his teacher’s hand and never looked back. He marched onto the playground, in line with his new toddler friends, and he joined Joey and the big kids in the sand pit. He lined up at naptime, marched back inside, and rested on his mat with his favorite blankets, in a darkened room with lullaby music swirling around him. His teacher rubbed his back, he fell asleep, and he woke up to a snack of Oreo cookies and juice. After he gobbled up his snack, he said, “more bite for me.” His teacher told him maybe next time he could have more.

Danny will attend school two afternoons each week. I had not planned to send him to school so early in his life but I am beginning a new job at the preschool and Danny and Joey get to take part in the festivities while I work. I will work Wednesday and Thursday afternoons for now and will alternate working with the 2-3 year-olds (Danny’s group) and the 4-5 year-olds (Joey’s group). Today I was mostly with Joey’s group because I wanted to test Danny’s ability to go it alone. He conquered the task.

I considered asking about jobs at Joey’s preschool a few weeks ago. And I never did. But a sign appeared on the school door last week soliciting interest in working in the extended care program. I inquired about the opportunity and so did another mom. Neither of us want to work much so we will share each week. She will work three afternoons and I will work two. It’s perfect. I get to be productive, in a minimal way, and my kids get to play with other kids, for free. I get paid and Joey gets a discount on his tuition. He will still go three mornings per week for his Pre-K program — the afternoon play is just a bonus for him. And I think this is just what Danny wants. Each morning we take Joey to school, he says, “me school too.” He is in heaven, and his teachers today said he was right at home in his classroom.

It amazes me how different two kids from the same parents and the same household can be. Joey was clearly not ready for school until this year, at age four, and I am still sensitive about how this new experience affects his delicate personality. Danny, at age two, is a go-with-the flow kind of guy who takes to change easily and happily agrees with new routines. I am more like Joey. And I strive to be more like Danny. He is my little hero.

Jacki Donaldson

Posted in Kids, My story, Work | 2 Comments »