Sometimes I am worried about what people think of me — I guess we all are to some degree. Tonight I am wondering if the my new co-workers think I am a crazy person.
Today was my second day on the job at Joey’s preschool — now Danny’s preschool too. I work two afternoons each week and Joey and Danny get to play in their own classrooms and on the playground too. I am back and forth between the classes and the playground so I see my boys off and on all afternoon. This is nice — to be with my kids while I work, to see them interacting and socializing, to witness their beautiful moments — but it’s difficult too. I’m their mom and they to cling to me at times. They want to listen to me and not other teachers. They fight the system a bit when I’m present. This makes for quite a transition — in addition to the transition of learning the ropes of a new job and new routine. It’s a transition that brought me to tears today. Not such a bad thing except that it happened in the midst of my work day, in the presence of one co-worker and many kids. I was as discreet as possible with my emotional spillover but it was still obvious and Joey came to me and said “I love you.” I thanked him and he said, “Sometimes when people are sad, it’s nice to say I love you.” A beautiful moment.
I’m still — hours later — having trouble managing my emotions. I feel like I did months ago when I could hardly talk about cancer to those who asked about it. That’s when counseling and anti-depressants were prescribed. I’m not sure why I reacted like I did today. I haven’t had a job outside my own house in a long time. Maybe I’ve been cooped up too long and don’t know how to act. Maybe I have not healed enough emotionally to take on such a demanding job. Maybe it was just a bad day. I won’t be sure until I practice at this job a bit more. When I have, I’ll see what my gut tells me and I’ll follow my instinct.