my Breast Cancer blog

2004, age 34 — this is my story

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Strong Like a Lion

I was curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor in March 2005 when my mom arrived to take me to a genetic counseling appointment to find out whether my breast cancer was caused by a mutation somewhere in my body. I had just completed my fourth dose of chemotherapy, and the cumulative effect of 2 months worth of toxic drugs was wiping out my 34-year-old immune system. I could barely walk or talk, and I am not really sure how my mom shuffled me that day into the car, into the oncology clinic for a blood draw, and into the office of my genetic counselor, who tried to interview me about family history while I struggled to not pass out and while the lab folks examined my blood counts.

My white blood cell count was low. It should have fallen somewhere between 4,000 and 10,000, but it was 700, and that earned me a mask and a swift trip to the hospital, where I was admitted and treated for 5 days. My mom sat with me during the mornings and afternoons, then she relieved my husband from kid care so he could hang with me at night. She did the whole rotation again a few weeks later, when my system crashed for a second and final time.

My mom did a whole lot more than hospital duty during my battle with cancer. She raced to my house the day my doctor called me at home to say, “Unfortunately, cancer cells were found.” She held my hand before a surgeon removed the lump I had found while washing in the shower, was by my side the moment I opened my eyes post-surgery, and nursed me back from a violent skin reaction to the tape that bandaged my parts. My mom joined me for every chemotherapy infusion, watched my little boys for 35 days so I could report for radiation treatments, told me I was beautiful when I hated my bald head and bloated body, and while I know she must have quietly cried about my predicament, she was nothing but a positive force during my journey with a deadly disease I have now survived for 8 years.

My mom, whose house is just a few miles away from mine (lucky me!), is a survivor herself. As a young, divorced, working woman, she raised two daughters on a shoestring budget and without child support. Times were tough, but my sister and I have nothing but cheerful childhood memories, and I am pretty sure our mom’s grit is what has helped us conquer challenging life circumstances. The girl has crushed a major liver disease (she had 95% of her liver removed 12 years ago), she has overcome nasty sports-related injuries, and she has rebounded from two hospitalizations for serious medical scares. Still, my 65-year-old mom is as strong as ever. She is yoga rock star, she walks miles and miles every day, and she can crank out push-ups like a pro. My mom is also a superstar grandmother to her four grandkids, and 2 years ago, my then-fourth-grader wrote an essay titled, “My Nana Rocks.”

She is “strong like a lion,” Joey wrote. “Once, I jogged down to her house, and she was relaxing outside in her favorite Gator chair. When I stepped onto her driveway, I challenged her to do 20 push-ups. She said, ‘Bring it on!’ She got down in her push-up position, and I said, ‘Ready, Set, Go!’ She smiled at me and did 10 push-ups in 5 seconds. I was astonished. Then, before I knew it, she was done. She did 20 push-ups in 10 seconds. I gave her a high-five, and I saw her biceps pumping, so that told me she was really fit and strong.”

See, she is good at push-ups!

And so much more.

Just Hope Hidden in the Woods

Just Hope is hidden here.

I know it appears that I live in the freezing wilderness of some northern state. I do not. I live in Florida. I just happen to get cold very easily, so my coat, scarf, and gloves come out when the temperature drops to what I deem chilly. Today, the 50s were chilly, so I bundled up on our trek into the woods, so my boys and their cousins could hide my just-assembled geocache.

Joey and cousin Tori hide the Just Hope geocache.

My family is new to geocaching — a free real-world outdoor treasure hunt that allows players to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, using a smartphone or GPS. We’ve been out maybe four times, and already, we love it. That’s why I decided to fashion my own box of goodies, which, of course, is breast-cancer themed. The contents of my Just Hope geocache include cancerspot.org stickers, a logbook and pencils, some trinkets for sharing, and a note that reads as follows:

Congratulations—we “hoped” you’d find this cache, and you did! Way to go.

OK, here’s the deal on this one: The mom in our family was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 34 back in 2004. She is still surviving (yay!), and she has been blogging about it ever since the start of her horrible yet wonderful journey (yes, there have been some good moments along they way). We hope you’ll take a sticker and visit her blog—leave a comment if you do to let her know you stopped by—and our wish is that you will find there some speck of hope or inspiration.

Until we hear from you, be well—and happy continued geocaching!

Oh, please sign our logbook, too, and if you leave a trinket, feel free to take one!

Just Hope has been submitted to Geocaching.com, and when it is approved as a worthy geocache, it will be featured on an online map so that treasure hunters can track it down. If you happen to be one of those hunters, we “just hope” you find it.

I Wrote a Letter

That video “Parenthood” character Kristina made for her kids — I did that. Well, I wrote a letter; it was essentially a goodbye message written when I was sure I would not survive cancer. I wrote to John, too. My boys never received their letters. Thank goodness!

Raw October — Day 28 (My Survivor Reminder)

Raw October: raising breast cancer awareness — one fact, figure, feeling, and photograph at a time.

My niece Jordan is my survivor reminder — she was born in October 2004; I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2004. Every time she turns another year older, I tack on another year of survival. She just turned 8 — that means I am about to celebrate 8.

Jordan’s age is not the only cancer connection she and I share. We also have memories (well, I do; she doesn’t) of infusion-room bonding. Jordan was 6 weeks old when I started chemo, and she sat with my mom and me every time toxic drugs dripped through my veins. My recollections of sickness and despair are tempered by the vision of that sweet, new baby in my mom’s arms — the baby who now has beautiful long hair; perfect freckles; a mean volleyball serve; and a huge hug to share whenever she sees me.

Thanks for being my survivor reminder, Jordan. I love you!

Thank You, Remission

He was 3 years old when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now, he is 11. Today, he graduated from fifth grade. Thank you, remission, for the chance to witness this child’s milestone.

Kids of Cancer Parents Camp For Free

This is so very awesome — a free summer camp run by college students for kids with a parent who has (or has had) cancer. Don’t know a whole lot about the camp, but it’s called Camp Kesum, it’s offered in several states (Florida!), and, well, click on the link, see for yourself, then pass it on!

Thankful

Thankful for Thanksgiving-like weather (yea, the 80s went away!).

A mom who *always* makes the turkey + everything else (my only job is eating!).

Kids who seem to still like me (Danny held my hand at dinner last night).

A husband whose compliments are oh-so-kind (he thinks I hold our family together; I think I’ve got him fooled!).

A sister who would do anything for me (wonder if she would run that half marathon in my place).

Nieces who let me braid their hair (not because they like it, but because I do!).

And so much more.

Like friends and family and love and support and food and home and health and …

You’re getting bored, I know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

College, Cancer, and Years Gone By

Had John asked me on our first date at Leonardo’s in Gainesville, Fla. what I thought I’d be doing in 10 years, I never would have said, “fighting cancer.” But that’s what I ended up doing, with him (and two little boys) by my side.

It’s been 17 years since John and I first got to know each other at Leo’s, and last night, we reminisced about it over garlic rolls, at the very same table where we sat all those years ago. Didn’t seem all that different. Well, except for Joey and Danny scrounging our food and the fact that we look way old in the hip hangout still populated by spunky college students.

Happy Pre-Cancer Halloween


Seven years ago, 3-year-old Joey was Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. Danny, 18 months old, was a Home Depot employee. Three weeks after this photo was snapped, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Almost Seven Years

Almost seven years ago, I found a lump in my left breast. It was cancer.

Almost seven years ago, my brother-in-law Jack put on a pink bracelet.

My cancer is gone, but the pink bracelet is not.

Thank you, Jack!

No Cancer, Another Birthday

You know that Ricky Martin commercial, where the singer belts out a peppy happy birthday tune and states his wish for less cancer and more birthdays? Well, Ricky will be pleased to know that tomorrow — more than six years after cancer — I get another birthday! And while the big 41 won’t take effect until I wake up in the morning, the grand celebration took place tonight. It was a family affair, and there was a whopper basket of goodies.

And a delicious mom-cooked gluten-free dinner (sorry, forgot to snap a shot of my taco salad), plus beautiful cookie bars, which were not gluten-free, but everyone else loved them, and all I wanted was fresh fruit, which I got!

And things really knocked up a notch when my oldest child, who had banned all swimming this summer decided to take the plunge, because it was evening and he didn’t need sunscreen.

And then there was his silly cousin and her fancy pool hair, which looks something like a toupee, and a lot like Princess Leia when she parts it down the middle, which she did right after this pose.

And have I mentioned that I got a rockin’ camera for my birthday, which happens to be responsible for all these pretty pics? Yep.

I love my camera.

I love my family.

I love my birthday.

Power of Words — 5 Bloggers Who Move Me

Thanks to Trop50 for sponsoring my writing about fabulous bloggers. This year Trop50 is granting 50 Fabulous Wishes. Click here to enter for a chance to win $1,000 to celebrate a friend with a refreshing attitude about looking and feeling fabulous!

Fabulous bloggers, according to my definition, are folks whose well-written words and pretty photos inspire me to do better, be better, feel better. They are almost always women, and moms, and they work really hard at empowering others. They don’t pretend to be perfect (they sometimes eat donuts, skip workouts, raise voices, and let the laundry pile high). They strive for balance in their crazy days. They make me laugh. And the really, really good ones give away lots of free stuff. There are five fab bloggers in my world. Here they are:

in HIS grace is a newbie to me, a blog I just recently stumbled upon, by way of a friend. WOW is what I have to say about Chrissie Grace, a way-clever, stay-at-home mother of four, plus artist, author, and poet. Chrissie chronicles her everyday life and amazing projects with few words and many photos (I love that!). Bonus: she links to her etsy shop, so all the rockin’ projects featured on her blog can be located and purchased with just a few clicks. One of my faves is this print:

Click on image!

Because she does pretty things with food, is tech/social media-savvy, and homeschools her kids (anyone who can do that for longer than half a day is, in my book, a hero), Christine and her ColorMePink blog rank right up there with the best of the best. I mean, the blog is pink, for one, and her presentation is slick, and there’s just such a wide variety of good stuff, I keep going back. And to think I might have never found this wonder woman had I not met her hubby, the money man at a Honda dealership, the day I bought a minivan. We talked blogging, he passed me her business card, and the rest is hisherstory.

MizFit keeps me coming back, too. Recently named People’s Choice winner of the Fila Toning Real Women model casting call, this muscle momma is a rock star. She takes healthy eating and purposeful exercising and makes them seem so achievable.  She is smart, witty, beautiful, and she knows her subject well (before and after photos prove it). No surprise she has a dedicated following. Not just on her blog, though — the girl tears things up on Facebook and Twitter, too! She is a force, for sure!

Then there’s fitness guru Fitz, who first met me in her home gym, where she brought me back from the brink. Still in treatment for breast cancer, she took my weak, dizzy, bloated, blah self and morphed it into something strong and healthy. She convinced me I could run, when I swore I could not, and then she joined me for a Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5K months later. Last year, I ran a half marathon, and yea, I think she had something do with major feat! OK, so back to the whole blog thing: Fitz has a blog, where she offers tips for optimal living, glimpses into the lives of fit celebs, and there’s never a shortage of giveaways (I just happened to win one — ChopKeeper cutting boards are all mine!)

Click on image!

Finally, my last fave: One in a Million, because I have a thing for the power of words, and this blog is full of words that make me smile. That’s the point, says blogger Sara Louise, who calls her little spot on the Internet, “a place to come when you really need to smile.” (Sara crafts her blog for herself and her mom, who has a rare cancer that can’t be cured.) *Be warned: the F-word sometimes appears on this site, but only in the most inspirational of ways, of course.

Don’t forget to enter the 50 Fabulous Wishes contest for a chance to win $1,000 to celebrate a friend with a refreshing attitude about looking and feeling fabulous. I was selected for this Tropicana Trop50 sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do. I received compensation to use and facilitate my post.

‘You Are the Best Medicine’ Book Giveaway

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harpercollinschildrens.com

You probably know Julie Aigner Clark best as the mom who launched the wildly-popular Baby Einstein empire. I know her voice was ever-present in my house during those early years with baby Joey. He was not a very happy and content boy, but Baby Mozart and Baby Bach helped infuse our crankiest days with a little joy. We liked Baby Santa’s Music Box, too, and even though Joey is now 9 years old, and his brother is 7, that Christmas DVD is still in our media cabinet. Yea, a good Spring Fall clean is in order.

Julie has accomplished more than just engaging little ones, though. She has partnered with John Walsh, host of “America’s Most Wanted” to create The Safe Side (all about kid safety), and there’s also Memory Lane (for people with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia). And now, what might be my very favorite is her new book, “You Are the Best Medicine.”

Julie (a two-time breast cancer survivor) wrote the book, Jana Christy illustrated it, and WOW, what a treasure for parents with cancer who want to explain the disease to their young kids in the most delicate and gentle manner.

In her book, Julie draws parallels between navigating cancer and growing up:

For a while I will have to take medicine that makes me feel bad, and this medicine will make all my hair fall out. I will look different. But I will laugh when I remember your own sweet little baby head, how round and bald it was, and how warm it was on my lips when I kissed it every day.

I like Julie’s overall message — that children can help parents feel better, just like mom and dad do for them; that cancer can be a tough; that life can return to normal; that love and kindness really are the best medicine.

I also like that 100% of the proceeds from the sale of her book go to breast cancer research, and oh, best of all, I hope to soon talk with Julie herself. Just as soon as I do, I’ll publish my interview here. If you’ve got a question you’d like me ask her, please leave it in comments!

So, do you think you want to read Julie’s book? Well, then, I recommend you get yourself a copy. But first, throw your name in the hat and try to win one for free. Right here. Right now. All you need to do:

  • Leave a comment and share why you want this book in your hands!
  • Leave your comment no later than 5PM ET on Tuesday, September 14, 2010.
  • You may enter only once.
  • Open to legal residents of the 50 United States, and the District of Columbia, who are 18 and older.
  • One winner will be selected in a random drawing. using random.org.
  • One winner will receive one book, valued at $16.99.
  • Winners will be notified by email, so make sure to check next week to find out if you’ve won!

Best wishes!

Tina Takes On Cancer

Happy family, fighting cancer

Happy family, fighting cancer

She has two little girls, a really great boyfriend, a job she loves, and a bunch of loving friends and family.

She also has breast cancer.

Tina is just 33 years old, and she is embarking on the fight of her life.

It all started just two weeks ago, and already, she’s navigating the maze of mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, MRI, meetings with surgeons, and more. She’s asking lots of questions, shopping for wigs, and figuring out the madness that, sadly, so many women must encounter. The good news: she’s doing it all with a spunky attitude, and a whole lot of support.

Ah, support — it’s what makes her most emotional, she told me.

I understand.

The love and concern that pours out of people is nothing short of overwhelming. In part, I think it’s what helps us survive such a dreaded disease. Writes Tina on her Facebook page:

Just wanted to thank all my friends and family for showing your support with all the pink ribbons and encouraging words. I have such an amazing support system.

The pink ribbons? Her friends are using them as their Facebook profile pictures, and so Tina’s page is like a quilt of pink, nuzzling her and keeping her secure on her journey.

My prediction: Tina is going to be just fine. Even better if we all send our well wishes her way!

Hard Boys, Soft Mom

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The following post is a reprint from Braving Boys.

I’m soft. I know this. And I’m OK with it. But it kind of goes against the grain of what John tries to teach the boys. Example: the other day, while at a lake for some fishing, Joey and Danny started whining about sunscreen. They hate it, especially the kind that sprays, because it gets in their eyes. So, we do our best to slather faces without blinding them, but as it always turns out, they are gun-shy and get all worked up about the event.

John is sick of it.

“You guys need to get hard,” he told them.

“Here’s how I do it,” he declared, then pretty much sprayed the stuff directly into his own baby blues to prove his point.

Explanation: John is a Marine, and he’s encountered some rough living. There was a period of time in boot camp when he was so hungry, he’d eat from sugar packets in the mess hall to fill the void in his gut. He hiked until his feet bled, marched until he couldn’t see straight, and for months on end, he was worn down and challenged to the core. He’s hard. He can spray sunscreen in his eyes.

Getting hard is good. It’s preparation for life’s tough times. It’s why Joey should eat fish, even though he doesn’t like it — because maybe, one day, fish will be the only thing available. It’s why learning to defend yourself is key, because when you’ve got to fight for your life, you’ll be ready.

I get it.

It’s just not me.

  • I don’t like sunscreen in my eyes either. Bug spray is yucky, too.
  • I do like fish, but I don’t like Chinese food, and heaven help me if, one day, it’s the only thing available.
  • I don’t want to camp — I like running water and cozy beds too much — and I don’t want to climb a rock wall or a mountain or jump from a plane, a cliff, or anything, really.
  • I am hesitant to play a “real” game of football with Joey, because he weighs 90 pounds and his power is pretty amazing.
  • I shy away from “real” games of basketball, too, because I’ve had few balls smack me right in the face, and ouch!, that really hurts. (I am up for a mean game of catch or P-I-G, however).

Don’t get me wrong. I can be tough. I’ve white water rafted, parasailed, driven a jet ski, completed a few ropes courses, traveled Europe all by myself, run a 1/2 marathon, pushed two large babies from my body and fought breast cancer.

Still, soft is my fall-back.

This worries me, and sometimes I fear my boys will come to know me as the wimpy mom. It’s why I choose to engage in some battles. Will I ski down a snow-covered mountain when we finally take a ski vacation? No. But I am fully prepared to let the waves knock the crap out of me during our next beach trip. I’m also on board this year for a very long road trip (in one cramped mini-van), even though my better judgment says, “Don’t do it.” And this summer, I’ll take on one-too-many roller coasters with my little theme-park thrill seekers, even though these rides give me a throbbing head and wobbly knees.

It’s a good thing there’s a John and a Jacki in our family. It’s like we’re the anchors supporting our family tree. John is at the top (of course, he climbed up there), I’m at the bottom (because I don’t want to climb up there), and Joey and Danny are right in between, observing the qualities that define their parents and deciding which ones to embrace.

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My wish is that Joey and Danny do get hard. I hope they also realize that, at times, it’s OK to be soft. Because really, I’m convinced there’s value in both.

For Kelly

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Kelly

This is my cousin Kelly. She was 5 years old here, and she died just three weeks before her 8th birthday. This month marks 30 years since her passing from leukemia, and that means had she survived her disease, she would have been almost 38 years old.

Nowadays, many kids survive cancer. According to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital,  just 4 percent of children survived acute lymphoblastic leukemia (cancer of the blood) in 1962. Today, about 94 percent conquer the disease. That’s a pretty impressive improvement — I just wish Kelly, who was diagnosed at 14 months, could have benefited from the better statistic. But she didn’t, because she fought cancer in the 1970s. And that’s just plain crappy.

So, I write this post to honor Kelly who, sadly, didn’t get a fair shot at life. Those almost-eight years sure were cherished, though. Says her brave and strong mom of the time they spent together: “I am so grateful to have had those years with her. She will live in my heart forever.”

I honor you, too, Sandy, and all the moms and dads who have loved and lost (you know who you are). I’m not sure how you go on after such tragedies, but I admire you completely for so gracefully doing it.

Strength of a Rose

Rose on chemo day

Rose on chemo day

Reader Jessica shared that she was left speechless after seeing the photos of 44 women and their breast cancer scars. Ditto for me. And after spending some time touring Jessica’s Strength of a Rose blog last night, I realize I’m at a loss for words again.

You see, Jessica lost her 54-year-old mother Rose to breast cancer seven months ago, and this is her space for telling a story of love, loss and healing. It’s a powerful journey — with a passage from Rose, posts from Jessica and photos that capture family and cancer in ways both beautiful and raw. Truly touching.

And if you really want to be inspired, hop on over to The Rose Run, and check out Jessica’s efforts to raise cash for the cure. The first run scored more than $10,000, and the next one is scheduled for July 17, 2010 in Petersburg, Michigan. Now, you might not be able to participate in this local event, but stay tuned, because you could be a virtual runner.

Comfort From a Boy

Writer Abigail Thomas offers in her book “Thinking About Memoir” the following writing exercise: Write two pages (one post) in which a child comforts an adult.

That’s easy.

The child was Joey. The adult was me. And it happened in February, 2005, one day after I realized my hair was shedding from my scalp faster than I could say chemotherapy. It had been 13 days since my second treatment with the toxic breast cancer drugs Adriamycin and Cytoxan, and not a rubber band nor a hat could hold my wisps in place. My scalp was sore, each hair still attached to my head hung with a weight that was nearly unbearable, and it had become abundantly clear that the moment had arrived: It was time to shave my head.

“Don’t worry, mom, you’re not going to die,” announced my almost 4-year-old boy, who was taking his turn shaving away the last of my chemo-stricken hair. “It’s only a haircut,” he assured me.

Whether he knew it or not, Joey was absolutely right. It was only a haircut. I didn’t die. And while some of his comments during my years fighting breast cancer weren’t as comforting — “You look like an alien,” he revealed while visiting me in the hospital in March of that same year — this is the one that still brings tears to my eyes, because, well, it was innocent, it was real and most of all, it was damn comforting.

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The child, almost 4 years old

The adult, 34 years old

This post can also be found at Braving Boys.